You know that feeling of anticipation when you work incredibly hard at something for months and months? The notion that if you just do all the right things and follow the best plan possible, you’ll accomplish the goals you’ve set for yourself?  Yeah, in a perfect world, that always works out but what happens when you DON’T reach your goals in the end? When everything you thought was going to happen, doesn’t actually pan out at all… nobody really teaches us how to deal with that kind of mental blow.

I’ve personally been struggling with this for the past several days.  I’ve been searching for a way to deal with some recent setbacks and disappointments but nothing seems to take the sting away. I’ve been bitter, angry and full of hurt but the more I surrounded myself with sadness, the worse things continued to get. I became a giant one-person pity party and all my previous posts about “embracing life” and “not wasting time,” went out the window and were replaced by feelings of hurt and regret.

So how do you shake that? How can you pull yourself out of a place that makes you miserable? It’s actually pretty easy — you try to forget.  I know it probably sounds silly, but the truth of the matter is, it’s a pretty powerful trick your brain can play if you just let it.  I’m not talking about running away from your problems, but I am suggesting you stop thinking about yourself for a little bit and focus on what’s been going on around you, while you’ve been in the middle of that mental “moody blues-fest” inside your head.  (I’m obviously speaking about myself here) What are the things that DIDN’T go wrong today…starting with the simple act of climbing out of bed.  Who are the people that make you happy? The people who’ve made you laugh when all you wanted to do was cry?  Even just the decision to focus on something other than yourself can be enough to get your mind moving in the right direction, if not making a complete 180.  Today I stood in a downpour, waiting for a dear friend to finish a pretty miserable race, and after it was over, it felt like my own sadness had just washed away with that steady rain.

When you’re deeply hurt or angry, the only thing you can control is how YOU react.  You can choose to stay in your current state or make an important decision to change. Stop worrying about the “what if’s” and start focusing on “right now.”  There are people in your life who need you and were willing to wait while you took a life time-out, but now it’s time to stop stalling and get back on track. When I say “forget about your disappointments,” I’m very aware it’s not an easy thing to do.  But the sooner you can make peace and move on, the better, because the only person you’re truly hurting if you don’t, is you.

Warning, this post might be a little heavy but I often throw a little disclaimer in here from time to time, just so you know, so here goes:

It’s no secret that I’ve been battling cancer for several months now.  It’s also no secret that I’ve had some serious highs and lows along this road. While many people look at the situation as a curse and something no one should have to deal with, I’m trying to flip my thinking around right now and I hope some of this helps you in your own life-struggles.

I’ve been very blessed to have the most amazing family, friends, and loved ones a person could ask for as a support system. Through the toughest times, I’ve seen certain relationships come and go and sometimes that’s been difficult, but I’ve also experienced extreme kindness from people I barely know at all.  Many have given me words of wisdom and comfort and it’s from some of their words, that I’m writing this post today.

When you think about cancer, or really any challenge in life, chances are you ask, “why me?”  I know I did, and still do many times.  I’ve had my fair share of angry days, where I seemed to take out my pain on the rest of the world around me.  But just recently some very wise people shared some powerful words with me and from that moment on, my life seemed to change.  “Don’t waste your cancer”- sounds silly, almost sarcastic, but it’s pretty powerful and it hit me at just the right time. I think about all the hours I’ve wasted feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I’ve done to deserve the hand I’ve been dealt.  The reality of it is, I do have cancer and no amount of pouting or sulking will do anything to change that , so I better get over it, get used to it, and move on.  It’s a humbling disease that’s forced me to focus on the art of patience, which as many of you know, isn’t very easy for me.  When I have a good day, it feels amazing, but now I’m learning that the bad days make you appreciate the best ones even more.  However, there’s still a lot of the “old Mary” hanging around.  I’m still as stubborn as ever and the old hillbilly hot-head still pops up to rear her ugly face from time to time.  With that said,  I’m learning to take things with a grain of salt and practice grace and compassion because that’s how I want others to remember me.

Whether you believe this or not, I feel as if I’ve been given this disease for a reason and in many ways it’s been a gift.  So why am I writing this today? Because it’s not just about me.  No one knows what’s in store for tomorrow because we’re never guaranteed another day.  The goal is to make each day better than the last and if it’s not, learn why and try not to repeat it.  If I could revise the idea of “don’t waste your cancer,” I guess I’d just broaden it to say, “don’t waste time.”  Take a moment each day to evaluate how you spent it.  Did you make yourself proud or would you do things differently if you had a second chance? The beauty of that question is that most of us WILL have another chance and that chance begins right now.  Life is so beautiful but it largely depends on how you live it…so from me to you, please… don’t waste it.

I’m a runner.  If you know me, chances are, you knew I loved to run far before you knew anything else about me. But my new-found love of Crossfit has pushed me into unfamiliar territories of physicality.  I struggle with it everyday but I’m falling in love with being forced beyond my limitations.  To fight through what’s uncomfortable and not to stick with what’s safe or what comes easy.  I definitely faced that situation today. Welcome to “the Open.”  If you know what that means, hang with me, and if you don’t, it’s the first round of the Crossfit Games, where the best of the best Crossfitters try to prove themselves to other “best of the bests” around the world.  Yeah…let’s just say I did not make anyone nervous by my glorious performance.  However, I learned a few very important lessons today so here goes…

Lately I’ve been going 0 to 60 basically every day.  It’s like a race to fit as much as I can into 24 hours, whether it’s work, working out, running, snowboarding or even making special trips to see my family.  I don’t know what’s behind it, but it’s like I’ve got a giant monkey on my back and it won’t let go.  I feel like I’m playing “beat the clock” and not just in a workout or a race, but in my life.  Like things just can’t wait.  I don’t really know why I signed up for the games, other than the feeling that if I don’t do everything right now I may never get the chance again.  So, with that said, I did it…and I’m glad.

I by no means, killed that workout.  At first, I left feeling pretty disappointed because I thought “you know, I should be stronger than that, and I thought I was.”  I’ll admit I pouted a little and moped around for a few hours, but then late this afternoon it hit me,  I am strong.  The things I’m good at, I’m damn good at.  I work hard everyday and I can back it up.  Ok, so I can’t lift the most weight or run the fastest 5k, but damnit, I can run…forever.  I’ve willed myself through 50k’s and even 50 milers in the woods, so about that disappointment, yeah, I ditched it and said, “it’s cool, I think I’m good.”

The last but definitely not the least thing I learned today, is the joy that comes from watching other people succeed.  It’s amazing when your hard work and determination pays off, but sometimes it’s even better to see it happen to someone else.  The excitement…the pure happiness when people are proud…I mean REALLY proud of themselves and should be.  I love that.  It makes my heart happy and it meant a lot to me today.

I guess the moral of this story is to try and be great at the things you’re pretty good at, and work like hell on the things you struggle with the most.  For me, I’m glad I struggled today because it reminded me that I’m still alive.  Still able to keep fighting for something even as the clock keeps ticking down.  Now I know I may never be the strongest person, but right now I’m just holding on for dear life and I’m not ready to let go.

When something hurts, we have a tendency to quit.  That applies to running, lifting, and…life. We’re afraid it’s going to cause some kind of long-term damage and well, we wouldn’t want that, would we? One of my Crossfit coaches made a statement the other day about pain and it hit home for me in more ways than one.  He said, “There’s always pain.  If you’re injured, you need to completely rest.  Don’t even try to do anything.  But if something just hurts, learn to ignore it.”  That Matt, he’s a wise wise man.

Recently, I’ve had a few bumps in the road on my journey through this awesome bout with cancer.  Headaches, nosebleeds, nausea, just the wonderful side-effects to being me these days.  If that sounds rough, believe me, it’s a cakewalk compared to where I’ve been.  People always say to me, “if I didn’t know you were sick, I’d never be able to tell.”  That’s a compliment and I hope to keep it that way, but the reality is that probably won’t always be the case.  Things are stable right now and I’m so thankful but I’m prepared for what’s to come.  I’ve written a lot about living life to the fullest and taking advantage of everything you can while you still have the chance.  Today, I’m adding “pain” to that “to-do” list.

When you think back to the most important things in your life, chances are they didn’t come easy.  There might have been a little struggle involved and maybe even a little…PAIN.  Sometimes I’ll finish a race and barely be able to walk, which is always odd to me, considering I was sprinting to the finish line just fine.  That pain was always there but somehow I guess I just ignored it, tried to block it from my mind.  I’ve always been able to “deal” with irritation like that, but it wasn’t until recently that I decided to make a change.  I’m not saying coach Matt was wrong when he told us to ignore what hurts, but I’ll take that idea a step further.  Instead of blocking it out, embrace it.  Choose to take it on!  Feel every part of it and try to understand exactly what’s the cause. I’d rather FEEL something, anything, even pain, than live a life with no experience or adventure at all.  I could sit at home and wait for the WORST to come for me.  I could be afraid of the possible long-term damage…that may NEVER come.  Instead I’ll take that pain, I’ll embrace it, and all the wonderful things that come along with it, and live my life the way I want until it’s gone.

Sometimes people will say, “if you really put your mind to it, you can do anything.”  That’s great and all, but sometimes the best way to get through the really tough stuff is to shut it all down.  I’m guilty of over-thinking things and questioning whether or not I’m able to get through a situation.  I used to do it all the time.  I’d almost prepare myself to fail by saying things like, “it’s ok if I can’t do this because at least I tried,” like I was almost giving myself a pass to fail.  What kind of message was I sending myself?  I can tell you — the wrong one!

I recently ran a pretty big race for me.  It was a long one, it wasn’t pretty, and it definitely didn’t feel very good.  I’ve done dozens of races and marathons before and for the most part, you’re surrounded by other people.  Whether you talk to them or not, you’re still comforted by the fact that other people are close by, feeling your pain.  Endurance events are often a different deal.  You spend hours running in situations where you’re the only person around for as far as you can see.  That’s tricky.  It messes with your mind and you really start to question yourself.   “Am I going to get through this?”  ”Is that pain normal or am I breaking something?” “Why do I do this again?”  All questions that are pretty typical to this type of running.  BUT not if you just block it out.

Over the past few years I’ve learned a little trick that’s helped me through a lot that life has to throw my way.  I just shut my mind off.  Literally.  It’s like I go numb to whatever’s buzzing around in my brain. We can try our best to plan for the daily grind but you know what’s said about best laid plans…  I know all too well.  Sometimes the only way to get through the really hard parts of life —  pretend they’re not happening at all.  Some might say it’s a form of denial but I say it’s a way to cope – with pain, with stress, with loss, and even illness.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for willing yourself through the difficult days, but it doesn’t matter how you get through it as long as you get to the other side.

Whether you’re out on a grueling run, sitting in a chemo chair, or grieving the loss of a friend, sometimes you just have to  switch to auto-pilot and float. Chances are it won’t affect the outcome, and you’ll be back when you’re ready.  Ready to face the world and fight again.

It’s election season folks, and that means lots of promises for things that sound great when spoken into thin air, but never really come to fruition.  We’ve heard about everything from the economy, to foreign affairs, and even Big Bird got some pub from the whole thing.  But what we haven’t heard about is one of the things that’s killing thousands of Americans every day. It’s not a war, not poverty, and not even obesity; it’s cancer and it’s being ignored by elected leaders on both sides of the political spectrum.

I’m going to speak about my own cancer diagnosis for a moment, not because I feel it’s more important, but simply because I’m obviously more familiar with it.  According to the National Cancer Institute’s own website, an estimated 22,910 men and women will be diagnosed with cancer of the brain or nervous system this year, and of that number, 13,700 will die from it.  Look at that stat.  Just take a long look at it.  More than half of the people affected by it…will die…this year.  I could probably stop this blog post right now and the message would be sent pretty clearly, but I’m not finished.  This is only a fraction of the men and women diagnosed all around the country from dozens of other forms of this awful disease.  What are we doing to stop it?  Why aren’t leaders in Washington shouting from the rooftops to put an end to it?  We march in the streets about Wall Street, the right to life, and whether or not we should be at war, but where the hell is the outrage about thousands of men and women dying everyday, leaving behind husbands, wives, families, and friends?  Does it sound like I’m angry?  I sure as hell hope so.

I’ve always been a believer in being your own health advocate, but the fact that this issue isn’t even mentioned among either of the presidential candidates makes me crazy!  Tell me a person who hasn’t been touched by this disease…hard to imagine anyone right?  So what’s happening here? It’s not as sexy as calling the troops home from foreign soil or lowering taxes on whichever class you believe deserves the biggest break, but, people in both of those categories have probably dealt with a phone call from a friend or loved one, only to learn someone they care about has just been diagnosed with cancer.  It is, after all, the great equalizer.

Look, I’m not saying all the issues that ARE focused upon are not important, but what I am saying is that we need someone to step up and say, “enough is enough!”  We live in the greatest country in the world so why aren’t we trying desperately to save ourselves from a disease that’s robbing from us everyday.  Lawmakers, it’s time to make this a priority and not just a talking point.  Hell, it’s not even a talking point because it barely comes up for discussion in political debate.  That needs to change and it needs to change today.